Monday, January 10, 2005

Monday afternoon, they say an ice storm is heading this way. I am worried about Stella because she loves to jump and and down through the snow, it's almost like watching a dolphin in the ocean except it's a 60 pound basset hound leaping through a foot of snow.

I am again worried about money and it drives me crazy, puts this irrepressible rage inside of me that lashes out at tense moments. I keep dreaming of finding a bag of money or winning the lottery and I recognize the unhealthiness of it all and the propensity to become a bad gambler.

I got in a fight with Gabrielle this morning. I was angry at her for lying about brushing her teeth, I guess I took the lying too personally but it hurt that she did it too my face but she is ten and she is angry and she lashed out at me with "I don't want you to marry my mom." And it broke my heart because I catch a glimpse of what is beating inside her heart and if I were her then I would not want me to marry her mom and I would want my parents to get back together. I know how fucked up my parents made me and that was alcholism and emotional rampage and I know how fucked up I felt in high school and I worry that I will fuck her up too, in the head. I am scared. I didn't realize that I'd end up loving this child so much. Worrying about her. I've tried to keep my distance and just be very, "Good job, Gabrielle" but now I want to tell her to dream and do everything she thinks she can't do like ride a camel from Maine to Chicago.

What is this world? Can I welcome a new child into this world? I want to. Irene's bursting. Her due date is two weeks and I know Gabrielle is standing in the shadows wondering how is this all going to change. I am too.

I have to tell you my favorite thing in the world. In the mornings, just
before it seems everyone else wakes up I wake up. Usually it's around six,
sometimes-rarely-I will wake up at 5:30. I let Stella out and she runs in
the backyard. Now that it is full of snow I stand at the door and watch her
through the window bouncing up and down in this sea of whiteness. It's
unusually calming, like washing dishes or having a cup of tea. She comes in
with snow all over her nose like she's been up to no good. I love it.

How do you welcome someone into the world? My plan is to have lots of Charlie Chaplin movies and warm blankets and hot chocolate.
Irene's been here before so she gives me this look, kind of sly saying just wait, you'll know.


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