Thursday, March 24, 2005

Hands still numb. Feet still numb. Feeling very lost today, full of anxiety, like I'm trying to stay above water. It happens. As I am writing this I am mentally trying to ground myself. I'm a lot like my father, a lot like most immigrant fathers, hell, like most fathers, I keep a lot of stuff bottled inside. You'd think that after cancer after they had to physically remove something from inside of me I would have learned.

We all stand on this precipice, of being who we want to be and who we inevitably think we are. I feel this really isn't the place to explore these issues. I have a lot of qualms about exposing myself to the world as it is. I know that sounds odd, this being such an emotional ripping off the roof of my life so y'all can peer in but...well I don't really know.

Yesterday evening was fun actually for the most part. I was supposed to go to the head surgeon doctor guy but it was postponed and so I gave Sissy a ride. We had to stop to pick up Gabs at her after school program and we hung out for awhile at the book fair and I bought Gabs two books, How to Draw Manga characters and Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli. Gabs is making her own comic book, very Sailor Moon-esque, about these super girls from Saturn who come to earth. Gabs and Sis discussed the book and plot lines. It was all very cool and very sweet. After dropping Sis off we went home and saw our little fussy man, who really makes it all better for both of us. All of us, really. He was incredibly fussy. As a sidenote I brought him into work yesterday for a brief few minutes and all my fellow employees stood silently around him in a circle and just watched him as he in turn eyed them suspiciously. Very amusing. Gabs worked on her book projects and contemplated her comic book. She is leaving this weekend to spend time with Dad and Grandma and I am sad to see her go. The house is a little empty when she is gone.

As to my earlier comments a few paragraph's ago, I didn't mean to sound so alarmist. I just feel there are a lot of things I have yet to expunge from my body, cancer was one of them. I'm working on the rest.

Black Bear Combo is playing tonite at Phyllis'. I haven't heard them live as a three piece so I am quite excited.


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