Tuesday, May 17, 2005

These are the things I will remember:

Gabrielle sitting on the back porch doing her homework with Stella at her feet. Atticus sleeping as a baby. I know the memories will grow and fill my head, maybe some will get lost, some will hibernate, some will become part of my daily conversation with the grocery clerk, with the ladies at daycare, with the nurses who draw my blood every week. I will remember Irene laughing. Me standing behind her and moving her arms like a puppet and making her laugh. Watching her cut hair. Remembering the first time I talked with her. I’ll remember waking Gabrielle up at 11:00 at night and hugging her telling her I am sorry for yelling at her and I love her and her crying and saying I love you too.

I’ll remember walking through Evanston with my sister one summer and talking so loud and obnoxious, linking my arm in hers just to egg her on. I’ll remember hiding her away when she was a child so she wouldn’t see all the shit going on.

The first time I saw my dad cry when I was a child after his own father died far away in India. My mother and I talking when I was younger in a way we would never talk again. Artfares with my Lisa (opening the tent up sunday mornings), driving from St. Louis with Jon, sitting in Shari’s house knowing there’s only an hour or two left before I head back out and we don’t see each other for a long time, hearing Bina’s voice on the phone, watching Dave’s face, in interviewing the other Dave in his office in Normal and realizing we actually kind of like each other. I’ll always remember that interview. I’ll remember all the interviews I did with all the people and all the things I learned. MJ sitting cross legged. Riding the metra downtown, meeting my girlfriend at the time, I remember being afraid and excited to hold her hand. Watching my brother flirt with all his nurses.

Not all the memories are good. You always remember the bad ones too. Besides the ones that make you cry and hurt there are the ones that make you cringe. You know the ones I am talking about. You actually physically cringe remembering them. I've done such stupid things, such hurtful things, I've been a bad friend. And there are times I've done the opposite of all that.

I’m happy not to be in certain places and moments in time and to be here. I'm happy to have gone through it all.


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