Friday, April 22, 2005

So it’s been a minute since I’ve posted here. I’m sure my readership has
dropped from seven to two, one of which is me. Life has been happening.
On many scales, large and small. The day is cold, getting colder. I have
a rare moment of tranquility as Atticus is sleeping. I’m not sure how
long it will last. Gabs is in her room listening to the soundtrack to The
Little Mermaid and Irene is at work.

It becomes progressively harder and harder to type, well, to type
coherently, without making mistakes. My hands get more numb with each
passing day. It’s slowly starting up the wrist with designs on my elbow.
Officially, my head doesn’t need to be excavated meaning no surgery to
remove my cyst, which as it turns out is congenital and ok. The
neurosurgeon, god bless him, was old school and by far the most thorough
and best doctor I have seen. I highly recommend him if you have trouble
with your noggin. I still have to see a neurologist about the numbness.
We’ll see how that progresses.

I have so much to say. I am just not sure how to say it. I’ve been thin
king a lot about anger recently among all the other things that I think
about on a daily basis: health, dying, diabetes, the effects of spray
paint on chip board, needing new glasses, the new weight gain I have
encountered, my fiends, my family, Sarah Vowell’s voice, eating red meat
vs. eating fish and chicken. etc etc. Anger has always been a part of my
life. It was introduced to me early. I won’t elaborate too much except to
say that alcohol and being immigrants in this country fueled it and
encouraged its resonance in my heart and mind, as with that of my sister.
If that sounds all too cryptic then I can’t help you. I have a lot of
anger in me. I have seen its manifestations many times. I am scared of
anger. I am even more scared of becoming angry. A friend once told me
years ago that what I really needed to learn was that it was ok to get
angry and that there are different ways of getting angry. I guess this is
all coming up because of Atticus, but really it all came up when
Gabrielle entered my life. It was then I started thinking about what it
is you pass down to your kids. I have more to say but I’ll let that
dangle for now, see how it looks.

Irene started work a few weeks ago and our schedules have been
subsequently crazy. I wake up at 5:30 am and get to work by 6:30/6:45 and
stay until 3 pm, coming home where Irene leaves at 3:30 to get to work.
Until Atticus starts daycare this is our schedule. I have always been an
early riser so I like being up at crack when the city is just starting to
breathe.

I am trying to pack a lot into this entry, as I have no idea when little
man will start crying and I will have to go feed him. I added a my space
profile for narendra, my old music identity. You can find me at
www.myspace.com/narendramusic It’s been awhile since I’ve cut and pasted
and mixed anything but it felt good to profile myself.

Sissy gave me The Time Travelers Wife to read and so far I am intrigued
and hooked though my friend Kent put a thought into my head about the
author that I can’t shake. Doug gave me Woodcuts of Women by Dagoberto
Gilb to read. I loved his story I Knew she was Beautiful so I am excited.
Danced with Atticus yesterday to a song called Sometimes by Daniel
Lanois. Then after I put him to sleep and just after wards accidentally
hit his vibrating chair and woke him up and he screamed like I have never
heard him scream and started crying. And I started crying and told him I
would never do that again. I held him and memories of my own childhood
that led to my thoughts about anger and probably led to this journal
entry.

And I have e to say this publicly so she gets some props. My sister
defended her thesis and rocked the jury. They were blown away and she
officially has her master’s degree. Congratulations.

So....all over the place but present. There you go. Good to see you all
again.

3 Comments:

Blogger zipyflavor said...

I am fascinated that you think about Sarah Vowells voice. It is interesting and all, but hadnt thought about thinking about it. Hmmm, well I guess I'm thinking about it now...

Friday, April 22, 2005 2:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having been a child raised by an angry and unfair adult, I sympathize and can only say that it is possible to overcome your fear of anger. In every situation I enter where I could become angry I'm willing to fight to emotional exhaustion just to stay sensible. There is a middle ground between the feeling of spinelessness and rageoholic. Just knowing this and striving towards it makes the lives of your children better.

Monday, April 25, 2005 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Hilesh said...

Thank you for posting that. I am struggling to find that middle ground. I guess the thing is, anger isn't a bad thing, it's how you show it that can swing you either way. I guess I am trying to figure out how to be angry, I guess that is the middle ground.

Monday, April 25, 2005 10:45:00 AM  

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