Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Tomorrow I spend the whole day at different doctors' offices being poked prodded and questioned. Blood test and nerve tests to gauge a complete picture of why the numbness persists. One theory is that the chemo depleted my system of both vitamin B (6 and 12) and that deficiency has caused the aforementioned symptoms. We'll see.

I have too many thoughts running around in my head like crazy children. I want to write about them here, share them with you but I am having a hard time corralling them into a linear narrative.

This past Sunday was Greek Easter. Monday I finished the Time Traveler's Wife and cried. I imagined myself on a boat drifting away. I was waving goodbye. My hands cramped and were stuck in fists Sunday morning. I woke up terrified. I didn't wake up Irene. I went into the bathroom and freaked out then slowly calmed myself and ran both hands under hot water using my feet. It took about a half hour to slowly ease them out of their clench. Atticus started daycare on Monday. He's a heartbreaker already. I love that place. He did fine. Mom....well, any mom would have been sad. I was sad. Yesterday listened to Mark Lanegan and read Pablo Neruda.

I am swimming towards something. I can't see it yet. My chest hurts. I will talk later.


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