Friday, January 14, 2005

It's Friday. I keep waking up at six. Every morning. Since the surgery, especially since the chemotherapy I wake up full of anxiety. I tried for awhile to blame it on the dog, Stella does wake up early and starts whimpering but no matter how tired I am I sit up look at the clock and it is always 5:51, ten minutes ahead on our clocks. Then I lay in bed until the real 6:08 am. On weekends I wake up, after letting the pets out and feeding all of them and I go write or paint but on weekdays when there is work and Gabrielle to be dropped off I walk through the morning with this thing in my chest. Maybe it's money I am worrying about, worrying if I will always be at this place, always trying to play catch up. Maybe it's just a side effect of the chemo, like the hand numbing and lesions and aversion to cold. Always ten minutes ahead of myself.

Bina once told me she saw me standing in a puddle and when she too tried to stand in the puddle, she sank and nearly drowned.

After this entry I am starting to feel like I'm not much of a blogger. Maybe I should review a movie or something, talk about buying tea at a multicultural tea shop, my favorite Thai restaurant in town perhaps. I hope baby comes soon. I can see you, little one, hiding behind the curtain. I'm waiting.


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